Wednesday, May 17
The stranger
Who is the stranger? Well, its me. Ever since I participated in the YFC organization (a teen religious org, enticing teens to share their faith and abilities), my idea of "self" has become very blurred. As I planned to change my status as a wall flower at yestreday's camp preparation, I felt myself wasnt enough, my normal self that is. I couldnt really act myself cause i feared that it might scar my chance for acceptance. But when i thought about it who is my real self??I had no idea, am i funny? am i cool? am i prudent?Its really hard to put into words, and I felt really confused. Though there are times when I understood myself, having a stable defenition of self, I forget what that definition was.
Sometimes, I behave differently away from home from the way i act at home. The weird thing is, both felt like they were my natural personality, and sometimes I like myself for being my home-self, and aometimes i dont. The same goes for my away-from-home self.........
Sorry if I sound irrational or incomprhensible or ungrammatical or something, Its just that I feel confused. Having a faceless image of myself is hard....Maybe it was because of the exposure to the many personalities in that get-together. Maybe... just hope this will be over..... but to think about it, this isnt the first time.....
Sometimes, I behave differently away from home from the way i act at home. The weird thing is, both felt like they were my natural personality, and sometimes I like myself for being my home-self, and aometimes i dont. The same goes for my away-from-home self.........
Sorry if I sound irrational or incomprhensible or ungrammatical or something, Its just that I feel confused. Having a faceless image of myself is hard....Maybe it was because of the exposure to the many personalities in that get-together. Maybe... just hope this will be over..... but to think about it, this isnt the first time.....
Am I really delusional?
Just as I have finally saw myself as a mature person, worth respects, it comes crashing down. Yesterday was the recital for our voice lessons. After more than a week of rehearsals, I felt confident for myself, mainly because I finally thought my voice soothed me, imitating the essence of jazz/easy listening singers.My friends and family gave me a really satisfactory rating, some 5 out of 5 rating, heck even a stranger praised me.
So when we got home i felt really good and saw a future in my musical endeavors. As my mother got home, we watched the video of the recital. I had an intuition about it not being good, rooted from my tape- reording-my-voice days. But with all those praises? Probably not. So we watched the video, and all my dreaming crumbled. As I watched my akward self, it felt like the person i saw on TV was a complete stranger. I mean when the time im actually performing on stage, I felt confident, where people actually focused on me...
That was the end of my dream.....
Desperate to rebuild my dream, I watched the video again tomorrow morning. To my surprise, the stranger on the Tv felt like home for me. I finally related myself to that person, and surprisingly.... i liked it!I mean it was not perfect, as in Frank Sinatra perfect, but it was on my way. I realized that maybe I only lost self-confidence and faith in myself while watching the video the previous day, blinding me from seeing the quality of my performance. Not wanting to brag, but my voice really sounded unique, finally believing my friend when he said it. Maybe, in this pursuit in my ambitions, I shouldn't expect a perfect performance. Maybe all I need is faith. Faith for my self, faith for improvement. I just hope that next time I suck at a performance, I'll remember to persevere, and learn from it.
This story might sound cliche, but its my life.....
So when we got home i felt really good and saw a future in my musical endeavors. As my mother got home, we watched the video of the recital. I had an intuition about it not being good, rooted from my tape- reording-my-voice days. But with all those praises? Probably not. So we watched the video, and all my dreaming crumbled. As I watched my akward self, it felt like the person i saw on TV was a complete stranger. I mean when the time im actually performing on stage, I felt confident, where people actually focused on me...
That was the end of my dream.....
Desperate to rebuild my dream, I watched the video again tomorrow morning. To my surprise, the stranger on the Tv felt like home for me. I finally related myself to that person, and surprisingly.... i liked it!I mean it was not perfect, as in Frank Sinatra perfect, but it was on my way. I realized that maybe I only lost self-confidence and faith in myself while watching the video the previous day, blinding me from seeing the quality of my performance. Not wanting to brag, but my voice really sounded unique, finally believing my friend when he said it. Maybe, in this pursuit in my ambitions, I shouldn't expect a perfect performance. Maybe all I need is faith. Faith for my self, faith for improvement. I just hope that next time I suck at a performance, I'll remember to persevere, and learn from it.
This story might sound cliche, but its my life.....
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